Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
