i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
