Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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