I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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