You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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