just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
