My friends, they love my intelligence
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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