the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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