when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
