i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
