So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
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He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
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I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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