my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
