So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
