Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
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