The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
we're so committed to being not committed
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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