Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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