Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
How's work?
Spinning.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
