The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Randomize
