I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
