i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
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Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
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I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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