I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
