i wish my penis had a tongue
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
