Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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