I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Idk if I want to put a bra on
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
