he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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