I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
