Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
