just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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