Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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