I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just cut my nipple shaving
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
