My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
