Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
The adults are the big ones right?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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