dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
