If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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