you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
