Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
