I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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