franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
