why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
