Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Randomize
