whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
so let's talk penis.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Randomize
