look no pants
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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