the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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