I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
only if we run a train.
done.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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