You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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