Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
zippers are such a cool invention
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
