I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
two words: eviction party
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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