not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
