dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
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decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
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He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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