I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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