Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
