Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
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Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
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If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
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