you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
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He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
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I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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