I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
