he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
