I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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