ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
